I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
