I could make wine with my vomit
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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