Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
