I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
