Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
