I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
