Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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