This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
