True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
