he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
