You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
