"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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