My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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