I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
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This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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