I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I will pee on everything he values.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
