Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
