This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
