o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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