omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
