hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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