my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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