Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
