Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize