Little spoons don't ask big questions
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
