we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
