After last night, I could never be a politician.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
