So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He felt like a one man threesome
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
