i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
