The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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