you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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