just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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