No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
