Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
