The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
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You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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