Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
