my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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