Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
