i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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