do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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