dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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