I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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