i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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