Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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