I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
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i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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