dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Randomize
