Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't put those talents on a resume
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
