respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
