Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
