Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
