Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
