Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
