She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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