The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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