One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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