She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
