is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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