it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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