um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
