I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
