Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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