I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
