The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
