This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
