Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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